


paradigm shift

by cumaeansibyl



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Coitus Interruptus, F/M, Implied Hastur/Ligur - Freeform, M/M, cw: unnecessary printer usage, don't you just wanna go apeshit, implied infidelity, office politics, too many meetings will do that to a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumaeansibyl/pseuds/cumaeansibyl
Summary: Corporate reorganizations can get really stressful.
Relationships: Gabriel & Hastur (Good Omens), Ligur/Michael (Good Omens)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 35
Collections: GO Events - Rare Pairs, GO Events NTA 7 - Rare Pairs





	paradigm shift

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the NTA Rare Pairs event on the GO Events server.
> 
> Whether or not there's infidelity depends on whether you think Hastur and Ligur are a couple. I don't think that's the _only_ explanation for Hastur's behavior here, but it's a plausible one.

The worst part of the alliance negotiations, in Hastur’s opinion, was all the committee meetings. It never stopped. Dagon had tried to keep track of the number of committees spawned by Heaven and Hell’s joint efforts toward a strategic partnership, but even her abilities had failed her in the face of what might well be literally infinite committees.

The celestial conference room for Interdisciplinary Approaches to Depopulation’s one o’clock had no dry-erase markers, and Hastur, grumbling, went to fetch more. The supply closet was all the way at the end of another one of those endless blessed hallways that, for all their high ceilings and transparent walls, still somehow felt claustrophobic. Maybe it was the taste of staticky plastic in the air.

The closet, when he finally reached it, was locked. “Bugger,” he muttered, and flattened his palm against the lock. Fire flared between his fingers, the bolt melted, and he pulled the door open to find Ligur and Michael engaged in an enthusiastic bout of synergistic cross-training.

“AAAAAAAA!” Hastur screamed, shrill and horrified.

“Oh, _damnation_ ,” Michael swore piously, snatching her blouse closed.

“Ugh, the _one time_ Wealth & Hellness doesn’t run over,” Ligur said.

“AAAAAAAA!” Hastur screamed again. His hand shot out. They both flinched, but it went past their heads and closed on a box of red dry-erase markers. “AAAAAAAA!”

“I can explain, boss,” said Ligur.

“AAAAAAAA,” screamed Hastur, turning around and walking back toward the conference room.

“Would you please get out of me,” Michael said, “so I can put my trousers on.”

“Might’s well finish,” Ligur said, “seeing as how we’re already rumbled.”

In the silence that followed they heard a distant “AAAAAAAA!”

Michael shrugged. “Yeah, all right.”

\---

By the time Hastur made it back to the conference room, most of the attendees had arrived, and Hastur’s throat was starting to hurt. “AAAAAAAA,” he announced, holding out the whiteboard markers.

“What are you zzzcreaming about,” Beelzebub said, because she felt she ought to, not because she wanted to know.

“Could you… not?” Uriel said, because she very much wanted him to not.

Gabriel hurried in at last, the smell of mildew and brimstone from his previous meeting Below still clinging to his suit, clutching his ever-filling binder of printed Powerpoint slides as if it was the only thing that could save him from God’s wrath.

“AAAAAAAA,” said Hastur in greeting.

“That right, buddy?” Gabriel asked.

“AAAAAAAA,” Hastur confirmed.

Gabriel took a deep breath, shut his eyes, and let his binder smack onto the table. “You know what? Why not,” he said. “EEEEEEEE. EEEEEEEE. EEEEEEEE.”

“AAAAAAAA,” Hastur answered. “AAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAA.”

“Christ save us,” Uriel said.

“Rather not,” Beelzebub snapped.

“EEEEEEEE.”

“AAAAAAAA.”

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank Ned Dennehy for his acting choices, and [voidbat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidbat) for helping me figure out how to render that inimitable screech.
> 
> And thanks to everyone on the GO Events server -- this was my first NTA, but I hope it won't be my last. Everyone was super, super nice and I had a great time!


End file.
